Put off..

I have been meaning to create a blog to keep track of everything in my life and with my son about to turn one I figured now was the time to get started. Why not start now?! Its time I stop putting off things and do them, so here it goes. I'll go ahead and make this first post an expanded about me.

I am a 21 year old first time mother to a wonderful son who was my light in my darkest days. I have a very hard pregnancy being that I was only 19 when I would out, 20 when I finally told everyone. In the beginning I had a lot of mixed emotions and never fully knew what I wanted. There was a lot going on in my life and I couldn't cope. I had worries that I would lose my son and I was so depressed that I would start telling myself that maybe I'd be better off if I did lose my baby. I had a counselor but I didn't liker he all that much and never really told her. Our main focus when going was about how I was going to be a mother, my past with my mother, the family drama that I was put in the middle of.

In the beginning I had considered abortion but backed out last minute due to fear and worried I had for never holding this child growing inside me. I knew it was going to be hard and I was never fully sure if I would of been willing to do anything and everything it took to do what needed to be done(finishing school mainly). Due to my choosing to abort(and not telling my sons father and him finding out by reading a convo on my fb(yes he was nosy)) we broke up prior to the abortion.

I made my choice to keep my baby but still had my thoughts, my worries; would I be a good mother due to never really having my mother around, could I do everything needed, would i be able to, etc. I was never sure about anything. I was starting to get to this point where I felt like I could do what was needed, then the car accident happened. My aunt, whom I love and I see more as my mother than my real mother, got involved in order to try to help me out. My mother blew up, caller her yelling at her for getting involved and how it wasn't her place, etc. I was thrown into the middle b.c I felt they were both wrong, however my mother couldn't take my choice in saying they were both wrong. My mother felt I had to choose, and instead of putting my foot down and telling her shut up about it I took it. I felt horrible and was back into wondering if I was doing the right thing about keeping my son. I felt as if I was bringing him into a broken home. My mothers side couldn't get along and my aunt and mother refused to see or even talk to eachother. and my fathers side lives hours away. I was hurt and upset and considered adoption. I loved the child growing inside of me and I only wanted what was best for him. I was torn, confused and felt like I had no one to talk to. I talked to my sons father about things and it wasn't enough. I felt alone in the world.

When I was 8 months pregnant, I was on the phone with my mother and we got into an argument, I tried so many times to get off the phone with her b.c the arguing was growing to yelling and sobing, both from my end just yelling from hers, I tried so hard that after I said i was getting off and she said nothing I said goodbye and hung up only to have her call me right back and get yelled at for hanging up on her. My panic attack set in at the point. I couldn't breath, I tried so hard to tell her I couldn't stay on the phone but it came out in parts and as me yelling b.c I could get it out any other way. I was living with my father and him and my step mother came running/barging into my room. My father was furious, my father is a very cool and collective person and would rather sit and talk then yell and be angry. He was so pissed off(he didn't know who I was talking to), he walked over to me basically yelled "Who are you talking to." I remember mouthing mom, not to sure if I said it out just mouthed it b.c I could breath properly. He grabbed the phone from me, yelled at my mother for 2 seconds, hung up and just held me as I sobbed and bawled my eyes out. (My mother kept calling me back to back after that for 10 minutes, I refused to answer) I tried for a good 30 minutes to tell him what happened yet every time I tried I just got worse. I couldn't calm down. I remember thinking to myself that I had to calm down, my child needed me and the stress and not breathing properly wasn't good for him. My dad and step mother were concerned. My step mother left me alone with my dad while I told him what had happened on the phone, while telling him my step mothers phone rings and its my mother. I'm guessing they talked for a minute but I still to this day(a year later) have no clue what was said and I never want to know.

On November 3, 2011, I went to my Ob apt, due to me being 9.2 lbs and my sons father being 10.12 lbs my ob told me we would induce me a week early, but she highly doubted I would make it another week. November 10 showed up and I was on my way to the hospital and be induced. My OB couldn't believe my son didn't come on his own. I didn't feel any contractions until my OB broke my water, a few hours later and 209 am on November 11, 2011 my wonderful little prince was born weighting in at 10 lbs 2 oz. I had a very hard hospital stay due to little to no sleep from November 10 until November 14.

I moved to texas to live with my mother after thanksgiving that year hoping that it was the best choice even though I didn't like, trust or feel comfortable around my step father(whole nother story!) and I soon found out a month and half later that I made a horrible choice and it only got worse. In Feb 2012 I found a job and started working. My mother constantly called me a horrible mother and it broke my heart. I had PPD from birth and was taking a low dose of an anti-depressant due to how bad it was. My mother constantly put me down and my step father constantly complained about how me being in his home with my son was ruining his life b.c he couldn't do things(keep in mind he was free to do as he pleased! He rarely watched my son at all and no one forced him to stay at that house all day). After starting my job I meet my now SO. I worked at a car dealership and made friends with some of the mechanics there(SO being one of them). I was in need of a break change so while on break and hanging with my new found work buddies said I needed a break change and if someone could do it for me. SO I quickly jumped up saying that he would do it in two weeks for me. No one had yet to know I had a son. Prior to him changing my breaks I told him about my son. I was going to be bringing him with me the day he changed my breaks and didn't want to shock him and I knew he liked me and wanted to throw that out there incase he ever thought he had a shot with me. He was completely cool with it and the day he changed my breaks meet my son and all went well. We went to lunch after that and hung out for a bit. From that day on every weekend he was over at my house and taking me where I needed to go with my son. A few months later we started dating. A few months after that I moved out due to being tired of being put down everyday and yelled at.

Now I'm sure some people are wondering "But what about the real father?" As for him, I filed for Child Support, had a meeting in March got 250 a month and he got very little visitation. I got two checks for about 60 bucks for two weeks and since then have gotten another(its November now!). He never calls, texts, email, message of fb me to ask about my son. Aa far as I'm concerned hes a sperm donor and my son will not know about him for a very long time. He has lied to me over the years we dated, caused me a lot of emotion and mental pain. He is currently 28, lives with his mother and had never been able to keep a job. I have tried a number of times to keep him in my sons life but it doesn't happen. For that I am glad. He will never know how great my son is, he will never know the love my son holds or how smart he is, he will never know what a great person my son is growing to be and I wouldn't be more happier about that. My SO is my sons father and they love each other unconditionally.

There is a lot of my story missing here, maybe one day ill share the rest.